Friend Check-In: The Honest Way to Ask “Are You Okay?” [Mental Health Checklist]

May Mental Health Awareness month just passed, but I believe mental health care is a 365-day commitment. And so if you have the capacity to check on those friends you hold dear, it could improve their lives more than you know. The word mental health has been thrown around like cooked pasta, but it really does affect everyone. The struggle bus is real; many folks are masking the hurt and suffering. I’m sharing this checklist to help you support the people you love and care about, and check in on yourself, too.

The Basics: What ‘Checking In’ Really Means

Checking in isn’t just firing off a quick “you okay?” It’s easy to send those texts and never really talk about what matters. People are pretty good at pretending things are fine, even when they’re not. So a real check-in? It goes further. You show up. You actually look out for your friend’s feelings, not just what they say. It’s about wanting to know how they’re really holding up, even when they try to hide it.

Signs Your Friend Might Need Support

• Mood swings or acting differently day to day
• Pulling back or not answering messages at all
• Acting stressed, withdrawn, or always worried
• Making jokes about giving up, and they hit weird
• Insisting they’re “fine” when something feels off

Sometimes, it’s not what they say. It’s what they don’t say, or how they act, that gives it away. You just notice. You know your friend… and you spot those signs faster than anyone. Reaching out, even when it feels awkward, can mean a lot.

The Mental Health Checklist: What Actually Helps

Start With Yourself

• Stop for a second and check how you’re feeling first
  • If you’re feeling like your internal battery is running low, let it recharge and reach out when you feel ready.
• Don’t jump in to “fix” things—listening is enough
  • Oftentimes, all we want to do is fix whatever the problems could be, but actually listening can be the greatest gift
• Handle your own stress before you offer help
  • Any lingering trauma, stress, or anxiety can seep its way into conversations. And definitely bringing stress energy into convos is never super helpful. Take some time to make sure you feel balanced and in a calm place
• Remember, you can be there for someone without running yourself into the ground
  • And it doesn’t have to be 2-hour chats every day.

How to Reach Out (and Not Make It Weird)

• Pick a time or place that doesn’t feel forced
  • Usually, a space where your friend feels safe or a part of the day where they’re mostly like receptive
• Use your own words—skip lines that sound scripted
  • No need to rehearse something or borrow from a book, just share what’s true to you
• Say what you notice: “You seem a bit different lately.”
  • Or just mentioning that: “you seemed a bit down these days,” or if they’re masking and keep saying things are fine, “sometimes I feel maybe things aren’t fine.”
• Let silence happen. Awkward is alright sometimes
  • Even just sitting in silence, holding their hand (if they feel comfortable), and being open to what may happen is totally okay

What to Ask (and When to Just Show Up)

• Be straight: “How are you doing, really?”
  • Know they might not want to divulge what’s really going on, and not to pressure them to open up
• Keep it open: “Anything on your mind lately?”
  • If you’re friend is feeling closed off, that’s okay too; they may not be ready to share
• Keep it light: “Wanna hang out or grab food?”
  • This can help take the pressure off of them to talk about their struggles and keep it easy for them to just spend time with you
• Listen more than you talk—sometimes just being there is what matters

If They Start Talking

• Stay steady, even if you weren’t expecting it
  • Having big reactions to what they may share could make them retreat and not want to open up
• Thank them for opening up to you
  • Your friend has no obligation to share anything, so this is a delicate moment for them to do so
• Hold off on advice—just hear them out
  • They might not be ready to take advice, but listening can really help them feel safe
• Gently mention help if it feels okay, like “Ever thought about talking to someone?”
  • You don’t need to preach about therapy, but offering some resources, should they want it, is helpful
• Tell them you’re proud they brought it up—it takes a lot of strength to open up

If You’re Worried (When It Feels Bigger Than You)

• Trust your feelings—if you’re worried, it’s real
  • Sometimes we might think we’re overreacting, overanalyzing, but listen to your intuition, it’s more often right in these moments
• Watch for things like talk of self-harm or pulling away from everyone
  • Self-harm should not be taken lightly, and they may need more help than you can give
• Share info on help for depression or anxiety if you think it’s right
  • Here you can share your personal experience working with a therapist and the treatments they provided. It can be in small doses, too. Feel free to divulge snippets if that’s all your friend can handle
• You’re they’re friend, not a therapist. It’s enough to care
  • And that’s what truly matters! You’re friend will appreciate it more than you know!

FAQs (Without the Boring Part)

How do I know if my friend needs help or just wants to vent?

If their mood changes a lot, they isolate, or show signs of real stress, support is needed. If they just want to talk, listening is enough.

What if my friend won’t talk at all?

Keep showing up. Sometimes, just being there matters more than words.

Can I say the wrong thing and make it worse?

You won’t make it worse by being kind and direct. Just don’t force solutions or dismiss their feelings.

How do I suggest “therapy near me” without being pushy?

Say something like, “A lot of people find talking to someone helpful—no pressure, just an idea.”

What are the real signs of depression or anxiety, not just bad days?

Long-lasting sadness, withdrawal from friends, loss of interest in normal stuff, or talk of giving up.

When should I call for help (like, emergency help)?

If your friend mentions self-harm, suicide, or seems in real danger, call a helpline or emergency services.

Is it normal to feel drained when helping a friend with mental health issues?

Yes, helping can feel heavy. Take breaks and get support if you need it.

How can I handle my own stress when supporting my friend?

Talk to your own friends, practice self-care, and set boundaries.

What if I’m not sure what to say at all?

It’s okay. Just being there, listening, or offering a hug really helps.

Don’t wait for the “right time” to check on your friends. Just showing up matters. Mental health care isn’t just a checklist, but caring is always a step in the right direction. If you’re struggling too, remember you’re not alone—reach out, because you matter just as much.

Resources that can help

For my folks based in Europe, I can personally attest to the amazingness of psychologist Dr. Ronke Oluwadare. She is based in Milan, speaks English and Italian, and can provide virtual sessions. You can read more about her work and area of expertise here. She supported me in my healing and treatment for post-partum depression, and I’ve had regular ongoing sessions with her.

Tala Thrive is a new organization dedicated to supporting people from culturally diverse backgrounds who live in Europe and Australia. I have not had the opportunity yet to work with one of their therapists, but I have heard really great things! And the fact that their tagline is “You shouldn’t have to educate your therapist” is brilliant!

Open Path Psychotherapy Collective

I happened to learn about this organization while searching for alternatives to BetterHelp. I tried using Better Help’s services and connected with a therapist. Unfortunately, I didn’t gel with the person I matched with, and the rates of other therapists were quite high. Open Path seems to make mental health services affordable and accessible for all, which is great!

If you choose to use any of these resources, let me know if they were helpful for you or someone in your tribe!

Sending warmth and love,